I’m Running for President

I turned 35 this weekend, which means I’m officially eligible to run for President. After much debate, I’ve decided to run as an Independent. It’ll be a tough campaign to beat out Deez Nuts, but I think I can do it.

Here’s where I stand on the issues:

Taxes
Read my lips: much higher taxes…on the wealthy. If you make over 10 million a year, Uncle Sam is coming for you. Why 10 million? Well, it’s a number I made up. Taxing people who make $250,000 or so is just hurting the middle class. Do you know what $250,000 will get you in Los Angeles? Not damn much, that’s what. But if you’re making 10 million, you aren’t hurting for much.

You may say, “Hey! That’s my hard-earned money!” True, but I don’t believe you work any harder than the woman who cleans your house. You probably live in a system that has always allowed you to move forward, instead of holding you back. You may also have been born smart – that makes you lucky, not entitled. Think of it as a luck tax. It will be used to make sure the rest of America isn’t suffering and stressed. Isn’t that worth more than a fourth vacation home?

Campaigns/Voting
Anyone who wants to be elected will no longer be able to accept money from corporations. Individuals only. Hell, let’s add that the highest amount they can give is $100. What the hell do you need all that money for anyway? Your stupid tv ads and expensive suits? Fuck you. Create a webpage and tell me where you stand on the issues.

Also, there will be at least one televised debate for other parties: Green, Libertarian, heck even Tea Party. America needs to see how people outside of the Democratic and Republican parties think.

And one more thing. Election Day is now a national holiday! Yay! No more getting up at the crack of dawn to stand in line at some elementary school so you can do your civic duty and still be on time to work.

Economy
Speaking of days off – enjoy a 4 day work week! Spend that extra day enjoying local business establishments – see a movie, go to dinner, buy a slurpee at 7/11 – I don’t care, just go spend some money and don’t check your work emails.

Americans work too hard for too little. Getting away from the office will not only expand the time we can spend with our families and on hobbies (which can lead to well-adjusted children and advances in thought, technology, art, etc.), but will also give us the freedom to go buy lots of shit.

Prisons
So long for-profit prisons, hello rehabilitation centers! Who commits crimes? Crazy people or people who are desperate. Either way, they need help, not to be locked up like animals. And having a business where the owner profits from more incarceration is a stupid system.

Guns
I don’t care who you are, they are going to be much harder to get. Hunting rifles, sure, you can still get those at Walmart (after a thorough background check and a waiting period), but other guns are made for the express purpose of killing people. I don’t think it’s smart to have only the military or criminals with guns, so I won’t make them illegal, but they will be harder to get.

Energy
Buh-bye oil and coal, hello solar power! Getting our national grid hooked up to renewable energy will be on the top of my to-do list. It’ll be hard and it will make a lot of old billionaires cranky, but IT’S THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

War
War is a last resort. We will jump into the fray if we have a Holocaust or Syria situation happening. Genocide won’t be happening on our watch, but other than that, we will not be policing how other countries decide to go about their business. Military action will not be used to bully people into things we want, like oil or trade agreements. Military action is for human rights violations and for our defense.

Drugs
Make it legal! People who want to do drugs are going to find a way to do drugs. So let them have it. We will be taxing the ever-living shit out of it and you basically won’t be allowed to do drugs anywhere but in your own home, but you can have them if you want. I’m not going to make your death wish illegal.

Education
Education is up there with energy. The school I went to was set up to get me to memorize and obey – not solve problems. Schools will get a complete overhaul and a shit-ton of money.

So there you have it – the Brookhart agenda. Are you with me?