I generally don’t like to be negative, especially when it comes to other people’s work. Because, I mean, who the hell am I to judge? I do dumb stuff all the time.

But I’m seeing a lot of marketing trends that are incredibly annoying, so I thought I’d air my grievances with you. Misery loves company.

Clickbait headlines

Ok, what totally sucks about these is that as much as I hate them, they totally work. Every time.

10 Things That You Didn’t Know About Gobbledygook. #8 Will Blow Your Mind.

Oh my God, what’s #8? I have to know. *Click click clickety click*

What Celebrity McCelebriton Looks Like Now Is Jaw Dropping.

Ermagherd, what’d she do? I gotta see! *click click cliiiiiick*

But let’s face it, they are the worst. Marketers have caught on that they work and now use them even if the content is a load of garbage. A recent favorite was “31 celebrities you didn’t know were gay” or something like that and it’s like “Number 1: Ellen Degeneres.” Um, everyone knows she’s gay. Everyone. So you basically just tricked me into looking at ads. Thanks douchebag.

Jargon that doesn’t say anything

Have you built a viral solution that disrupts the entire tech industry by empowering brands? Congratulations. I have no idea what you do.

There’s this weird circle jerk that happens where industry insiders use this language to sound like they know what they’re doing and then they get all caught up in it and then the Average Joe is either “Wait, what?” or they don’t want to be left out so they pretend they know what’s going on.

I recently heard a great rule for pitches: The Rule of 16. “16 words within 16 seconds in a language a 16-year-old would understand.”

That means tell me wtf you do in plain English.

Automation

Congrats @RachelBinLA for being a top follower this week!

First of all, I don’t believe you wrote that and second of all, what the hell is a top follower? This is another one that drives me nuts because it works, but it’s gone too far.

I don’t want your weird “newsletters” that aggregate content that you didn’t curate, I don’t want Vytamin creating fake Twitter accounts in an effort to get me to your webpage, I don’t want notification that I’m your top follower (because that isn’t a thing). I don’t even want an automated “Thank you for the follow!”

I love Twitter and have made some great connections from it, but I see a lot of content that is clearly not written by a human being. And that makes me not want to engage, which is the whole freaking point of social media in the first place. I want to talk to a person, not a bot.

Creating one post for many channels

Yesterday I went to a conference and learned all about….www.facebook.com/129293eqdajshdasjkdallaks.

What did you learn? I’m on Twitter, why are you asking me to go to Facebook?

This is another problem with automation. On Facebook you can write as much as you want. On Twitter you have 140 characters. On Instagram, you need to hashtag everything. And don’t ask me about Snapchat, because I’m just too damn old to figure it out.

If you really care about the content you’re sharing, take the time to format it correctly for each platform. And if you don’t care, then why should I?

Blog post comment spam

Hi, I thought I’d comment here instead of calling you…

Bitch, what makes you think you could call me even if you wanted to? Get your Viagra ad off my page!

I’m assuming these spammers do this for SEO, but ugh. Gross. Stop being a horrible person and go plant a tree or something.

Aggressive sales people/Lack of foreplay

Hi, you downloaded my whitepaper, so I thought I’d give you a call to see how our company can help you.

WOAH buddy. Slow down. I just met you.

I’m down with lead generation, but you can’t start at the top of the funnel and just shove me down to the bottom. I need to get to know you better, but that involves some discovery on my own. If I’m truly interested, you’ll know.

Slightly related to this is the sales guy who just. doesn’t. get it. (Or is maybe desperate to meet quota?) To illustrate, I am going to copy and paste, word for word (with company changed to protect the not-so-innocent) a real email chain that I kept getting because my co-worker had quit and his email was being forwarded to me. I could have told the guy, but 1) the chain was hilarious and 2) I didn’t want him bothering me.

From: Salesy McSalesperson[mailto:salesy@company.com]
Sent: Friday, June 24, 2016 9:18 AM
To: Rachel’s Coworker
Subject: Re: Salesy from Company reaching out

Hi Rachel’s Coworker,

We have been reaching out in hopes to connect with you, let me know if I’m being too persistent.

I would love to throw some time on the calendar if you would be the best person to speak to regarding video based peer-to-peer fundraising.

Best regards and have a great day,

Salesy McSalesperson| Partnership Development | Company
Address | Canada
P 555-555-5555 | E salesy@company.com
Visit www.company.com for more information

—————————————————————————————————-

From: Salesy McSalesperson
Sent: Tue, 21 June 2016 3:29pm
To: <coworker@othercompany.org>
Subject: Re: Salesy from Company reaching out

Good morning Rachel’s Coworker,

I just wanted to bump this back to the top of your inbox.

Would you have time to set up a quick chat?

Best regards and have a wonderful morning,

Salesy McSalesperson| Partnership Development | Company
Address | Canada
P 555-555-5555 | E salesy@company.com
Visit www.company.com for more information

—————————————————————————————————-

From: Salesy McSalesperson
Sent: Fri, 17 June 2016 3:04pm
To: <coworker@othercompany.org>
Subject: Re: Salesy from Company reaching out

Hello Rachel’s Coworker,

I have reached out to you a few times and for one reason or another we haven’t been able to connect.

I wanted to reach out again to see if you would interested in receiving information regarding our video based “Friend-Funding” platform and how we managed increase the average P2P donation from $60 to $254 with our clients.

Do you have time to connect this week or next?

Looking forward to your reply,

Salesy McSalesperson| Partnership Development | Company
Address | Canada
P 555-555-5555 | E salesy@company.com
Visit www.company.com for more information

—————————————————————————————————-

From: Salesy McSalesperson
Sent: Wed, 15 June 2016 2:31pm
To: <coworker@othercompany.org>
Subject: Re: Salesy from Company reaching out

Good morning Rachel’s Coworker,

I wanted to reach out again and see if you would be interested in learning about our video fundraising solutions for Your Company.

Could we throw some time on the calendar this week or next?

Have a good morning and thank you,

Salesy McSalesperson| Partnership Development | Company
Address | Canada
P 555-555-5555 | E salesy@company.com
Visit www.company.com for more information

—————————————————————————————————-

From: Salesy McSalesperson
Sent: Mon, 13 June 2016 2:04pm
To: <coworker@othercompany.org>
Subject: Re: Salesy from Company reaching out

Hello Rachel’s Coworker,

I’m following up regarding the email I sent you to see if we can interest you in our video based peer-to-peer fundraising solutions.

Would you be interested in setting up a call for more information, or is there a better person I should reach out too?

Thank you very much,

Salesy McSalesperson| Partnership Development | Company
Address | Canada
P 555-555-5555| E salesy@company.com
Visit www.company.com for more information

—————————————————————————————————-

From: Salesy McSalesperson
Sent: Fri, 10 June 2016 1:46pm
To: <coworker@othercompany.org>
Subject: Salesy from Company reaching out

Hi Rachel’s Coworker,

Your Company came up on my radar as a possible fit for our video powered, peer-to-peer fundraising platform — I wanted to reach out and get in touch with the right person to discuss a potential partnership.

At Company we’re empowering nonprofits to mobilize and build their communities through the power of video-based fundraising.

50% of videos watched via Company result in a donation, and because we are scaling personal face-to-face asks, the donation amounts are much higher – Average donation through Company is $254, competition is approx. $60.

I would love to discuss a potential partnership, if this isn’t yourself, can you point me in the right direction?
Best,

Salesy McSalesperson| Partnership Development | Company
Address | Canada
P 555-555-5555 | E salesy@company.com
Visit www.company.com for more information

—————————————————————————————————-

DUDE. Get the hint.

For a fun breakdown of why emails like this are awful, check out this blog by Atomic Tango.  As a side note, I learned about The Rule of 16 from Freddy at Atomic Tango.

In conclusion
Get off my lawn.